What the Heart Wants
by ZaraLethallan
Summary: This chapter goes to @eggsquisite-dreadwolf for winning in my giveaway! The lovely @wolf-dreams-halla-wakes helped me edit this! @llynnyia was my beta reader! Last but not least @virahnfenharel helped me on the last part, by role-playing with me! I believe this song will go great with this chapter! /watch?v UxV paz84Mw


"Zara, wait." he muttered, even for his gentleness the commander's softly whispered words snagged on the Inquisitor's jumbled nerves. She could sense his eyes on her back, a warm tingle racing up her spine where she assumed his gaze had lingered a little too long.

"Cullen?" She sighed, and twisted her head over her shoulder to see him once more. Cullen's hands were grabbing the desk, turning his knuckles a contrast white against the red mahogany wood.

"What do you want from me?" Her words were harder than she intended. Now was not the time. She felt as though she couldn't go on, she realized she was moments from breaking. As if she could barely keep walking, just placing one foot in front of the other was nearly beyond her. Today was one year to the day of the defeat of Corypheus and Solas' disappearance. No matter how hard she had tried to simply avoid everyone, so she could have one moment of silence to herself, she just couldn't quite manage to keep them all away. Everytime she managed to slip from one person's grasp she found herself in another, demanding her attention.

Her patience grew shorter the lower the sun sank against the mountains surrounding Skyhold. She longed to lock herself away inside her quarters, to hide away from her duty as the Inquisitor, the endless circle of royals visiting each week. Wanted to bury herself in her couch, wrapped in the soft fur pelt that once belonged to Solas, till a new day rose to vanquish the old.

Cullen took his hand from the desk and ran it through his short blond curls, the sun's remaining rays caught the red strands that peppered the silky locks.

"I …. Zara…" He nervously glanced away from her in the face of her wide-eyed silence. Leather creaked as he clenched his hand and abruptly captured her pained gaze.

Her body rotated towards him, her uniform feeling itchy against her skin.

"Marry Me?" his voice barely registered with her long pointed ears.

"Excuse me? What did you say?" Her face and ears seemed hotter than the time The Iron Bull had her drink that stein of Dragon Piss. It stung her skin, scorching her stomach even worse than that acidic foul booze. She could feel her blood as it burned, as it stained her skin pink, a mixture of embarrassment and horror at the words.

Creators! Why did he have to ask on this day?!

The commander had walked around the desk, standing in front her. Zara tilted her head up so she could see him better. His hand reached to cup her face.

"Marry me. I can make you happy. Please, Zara? Just give me a chance. These last few months have… They have changed my life. And, I assumed … I hope yours too. You are finally smiling again. Surely you must get the impression too?" He moved his hand from her face, Cullen knelt before her, reaching out to calm the shaking elf's fingers.

"Ar lath ma, Vhenan." As the words slipped through his lips Zara flinched away from him, pulling her hand from his grasp as if he'd stung her. She immediately stepped away from him, her eyes wide with confusion. Tears stung at the corners.

"Who taught you those words? … Who… I … You know what! I don't want to know!" She could see the way he bit his bottom lip, the sweat that lingered on his brow. She'd hurt him with her rejection, but she couldn't, wouldn't, say yes. She could still remember Solas' lips against hers as he uttered those same words. Her Vhenan, the man that she loved, who cut her so deep, tearing her to shreds. Breaking her beyond repair.

"I'm sorry Cullen. The answer is No. I can't." Her voice was on the edge of breaking as her eyes began to burn. A tear threatened to surface, even with her deep breaths and rubbing her wrist against her eyes wouldn't make them stop.

"What? W-Why?" he stuttered, he didn't understand why she was rejecting him.

She couldn't agree to marry someone she didn't love, someone who wasn't her vhenan. She knew if she agreed to marry him and never returned his feelings, it would feel worse than her rejection. She couldn't bring herself to look at him, so her eyes fixed onto the papers on his desk.

Cullen had gotten off his knees, and attempted to move closer to Zara. It only made her step back further from him. Her arms wrapped around her body, as his were up in a surrender. The commander moved slowly, as if he was approaching a wounded animal.

"Don't you understand?" she spoke, taking another step back away from him, a step closer to the door. "I love him. He is Ma Vhenan. I can't, ir abelas." her voice cracked as he took another step closer. She flinched away from him again and ran to the door, throwing it open. She could hear the door slam against the wall as she ran from the battlements. She ran through the yard, ignoring the startled voices of the people she bumped into, unwilling to stop.

She ran away from him, away from the pain she had caused his heart. She had to get away from the pain that plagued her own heart. The anger she held for Solas, the regret of not keeping her distance from Cullen. Resenting her Dalish clan that sent her to the conclave, in turn altering her life. Those feelings stuck to her skin like a poisonous honey, and there was nothing she could do to wash them away.

"Are you okay Inky?" Zara heard Sera ask as she rushed up the stairs to the main hall. Her tears streaked down her face, she didn't stop. Not for anyone, even when for the storyteller, who tried to catch up to her as she ran to her room.

She finally made it to her chambers, her door crashed behind her. Sealing her door with magic, Zara locked herself in.

She threw herself onto her couch, crying her heart out. She could barely hear Varric banging on her door over her sobs. She cried until there was nothing left. She cried herself to sleep, wrapped in that fur throw.

Zara sat curled up in this lap with her head rested on his shoulder. His arms were pulled around her holding her tight against him. They sat on the couch while Zara attempted to forget all her troubles, to dismiss the events of the day from her mind , erase what the commander had asked her moments before. She wanted to forget that it had ever happened. The idea of him asking her to marry him had made her sick to her stomach.

The cold midnight air drifted into her room from the open balcony door. She shivered, but not from the cold air. She couldn't help but picture Cullen on his knees, the words 'Ar lath ma vhenan' falling from his lips.

"Cold, vhenan?" He asked with his lips against her ear. His heated breath was like warm water splashed against her skin.

"Not really," She whispered. Her hands rested on top of his forearm. Even after all these months, she couldn't help but feel safe in his arms. "Ar lath ma, I miss you." She whined, pulling his arms tighter around her.

Should she tell him? It wasn't something she could keep from him. She could never keep anything to herself for long when it came to him. "He asked me to marry him today," She blabbed before she could stop herself.

Solas didn't respond to her confession, instead he buried his face into her neck. She couldn't help but breath in deeply. As she tempted to get her emotions under control. She pondered about all the times he would bite her neck, when his tongue would dart between his teeth, tasting her. She couldn't help but bite her lip and moan to the memory playing in her mind.

"I told him no," She continued when he remained silent. Her fingers drew circles on his arm while they sat quietly in each other's presences.

"Why?" He questioned her.

"Because, Vhenan, he is not you." her voice was to the point is was almost a whisper. This was the last thing she had wanted to talk to him about, but she couldn't stop herself from blurting it out. Deep down she knew she had to tell him that he was the only one for her.

"Cullen is… He is my friend. Things have been difficult these last months, and he was always there for me. He is a great guy. He's quirky, shy, and safe. Everything a girl could ask for…." She couldn't find the right words to explain them. She was never good at defining her relationship with the man and it was even harder to explain it to Solas.

"But does he make you happy?" Of all the things she pictured him asking, that wasn't among of them. She didn't expect him to be so calm, to be sitting on the couch with her acting like nothing had happened. Why did he even ask her this? What was the point?

"Happy? No, but I am content with him. I know he would never leave me, never hurt me." She admits, as she bit down on her bottom lip at the confession. Cullen had always tried to go out of his way to comfort her, after she helped him quit taking lyrium. He treated her like it was his duty to make her happy, to heal her broken heart.

"Then why not say yes, if he is good for you?" He asked, his teeth nibbling on her ear, sending a jolt of pleasure down her body.

It was a good question, why didn't she tell him yes? If he was good for her, how come she couldn't just move on and be happy without Solas?

Without her Vhenan.

"Because he is not the one I want, not the one I need." She swung in his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck and her legs tight against his thighs. She looked into his beautiful blue eyes as she started to speak again.

"You are the one I want, the one I need. You are the one who makes my heart race, the person who I always think about. No matter how hard I try to move on… My mind, my heart, my soul longs for you. Being with you makes me happy." Zara's voice was husky. She tilted her head to kiss his neck.

"Your touch sends fire through my veins." She whispered as she kissed along his jaw.

"When I think about you, it feels as though my heart will beat out of my chest." Her mouth was now above his. The lips she longed to kiss, to taste again.

Solas ran his thumb over the tear resting upon her cheek, she leaned into his palm as she muttered and kissed his hand.

"Vhenan, I want you. I need you…" She doesn't finish talking, instead she closed the distance between them, kissing him with everything she had. The way her heart yearned for him, the pain she felt every morning she wakes up alone in her room. The memory of him leaving, the joy of seeing him again is poured into the kiss.

"Please, Vhenan." She pleaded with him to return her kisses. To show her the passion he once held for her. She wanted him to tell her that everything will be okay, that he will return to her. That he is coming home. Instead he pushed her away from him, moved her off his lap. He didn't look at her when he stood an walked away.

Zara woke up on her couch. She is alone in the room. Her balcony door is open. The cold air creeped into her room. She got up and moved to the balcony to shut the doors, she fell to her knees when her pain griped her heart, squeezed it like a snake squeezes the life out of its prey. It echoed through her chest, spread to the rest of her body.

"Cole…" She called out, no longer able to handle it alone. In a second, he appears by her side helped her stand on her feet, and moved her to the bed.

"I waited….. Like you asked." the words were soft as they wrapped around her. "Waiting till you called me," he sighed, tucking her into the bed.

She pulled Cole close to her, resting her head in his lap before saying anything. "I know. Thank you… Cole? I don't want to dream. Not tonight." She said, his touch calmed her as he pulled her hair back gently. She muttered to herself saying it was just a dream over and over again, until the aura of his familiar magic brushed against her and pulled her into a dreamless sleep.

Solas stood facing the desk cluttered with his old books and the map marked where she had already looked for him the past year. He had hoped that Zara would have given up by now, but he was wrong. She was still searching for him. A sensation of pride impact his heart, he knew his vhenan was one that wouldn't back down.

It pained him to be away from her for so long. Despite all the reasons why he had to, he could never bring himself to leave her completely. When the sun sank he would seek her out in the Fade. Tonight was no different, he watched in the shadows as the desire demon wove its web. He was positive Zara couldn't see him, but he planned on making his presence known to the demon.

For now he was hidden, cloaked in the black tar of despair, as he watched Zara spill out her feelings to the demon. She told the abomination how her day went, she was racked with grief as she replayed the events.

It hurt to hear her speak about Cullen being there for her and that he had offered to be the one to make her happy, that he would never leave Zara's side. There was a touch of relief to learn she had said no. Even though he loved her and wanted for her to move on, he couldn't bear the idea of her being with another man.

He had wished that she would move on and prayed that she could be happy without him. That she could find peace. But knowing his love, she wouldn't stop. When she loved, she loved with her whole heart. That no matter how many miles lay between them or how many times he turned her away, she would never give up.

Zara had started to kiss his mirage. He couldn't help but feel his anger, his inner wolf clawed at the surface. His hands clenched into a fist in his attempt to remain calm, to not march over there and teach the demon a lesson for messing with her mind.

He was done watching. Done seeing the demon play its games with her, Solas stepped out of the shadows just enough for the demon to see him. Its eye met his as he moved her off his lap and approached him.

"Fen'harel, what a pleasant surprise." The demon hissed as it made its way to stand next to Solas, as Zara's form disappeared from the Fade. His face faded from the demon, as it horns came out. She vibrated into her natural form, learned their was no point in hiding.

Solas couldn't help but turn and snarl at the abomination. "Not as pleasant, as you may wish it to be." He pivoted to face her? Head on, placing his hands behind his back as he approached the demon coming face to face with it.

"I only gave her what she needed, we both know that. Wolf," She said between her teeth, reaching an arm around Solas to pick up one of the tomes on the desk.

"Do you think she needs you to steal my face? No one takes my face, Demon. Then you dare pretend to be me… You will halt these actions immediately." He could feel his beast rage beneath his skin.

"She needs you, just as much as you need her. What was I to do? Let her suffer?" She asked in a low husky placed a free hand on his shoulder, its fingers running through the fur in his coat.

The wolf inside him couldn't help but growl, begging to be set free on this demon who dared to toy with him. "You only made it worse. Giving her false hope. This can't be. Leave it! It's none of your business. I will only say this once!" He grasped onto the demon's wrist and tossed it from him as if it carried a disease.

Not only did this demon dare to play with Zara, but couldn't resist playing with him. Solas wouldn't put up with it.

"None of my business? I doubt that. You are the one who caused her pain. You are the one who walked away. I was simply trying to help. Dread Wolf. Must you always walk alone?" She said as it circled the mage who was growing tired of the demon's games.

Desire leaned in closer to his ear, rubbing a hand down her body. A moan escaped her lips when her fingers pinched her pierced nipple. "I see what you need, what you desire."

"I am well aware of that myself, without your interference. You help is not needed nor is it wanted. Leave, or you will force my hand." As he said the words he could feel the magic of the Fade around them shift and turn.

He could see that desire had taken Zara's form. Her curly black hair was cut off short, shorter than when he'd last seen her in person. Her bright green eyes were now dull, with no signs of happiness. "Vhenan, please. Why did you leave? You are my heart. The only one I love, the only one I will ever love. Fen'harel, Ar lath ma." He could even hear the ring in her voice.

Despite himself he stepped closer and reached up to touch her face. His thumb traced the line of her jaw, feeling her smooth skin in contrast to his. It was the same voice he had wished to hear these long months, muttering the words he had longed to hear.

The tip of his nose touched her neck. He tried to breathe in her scent. Jasmine. But instead he smell was off, different. He had forgotten for a moment this wasn't her. That this wasn't his vhenan. He called his magic forth, sinking its claws into the demon and ripped the false face away.

"How dare you?! You will not fool me! Leave her alone!" He snarled, as he smashed his hands against her chest. Solas pushed her away from him, slamming her down onto the ground.

The wolf inside him never took its eyes off the demon as she rose once more and stalked around in his head as she circled Solas.

"Oh Solas, why won't you let me help you? Let me give you what you need," he could hear the hesitation in her voice, the uncertainty. He could smell the fear rolling off her skin.

"I need to fulfill my duty. No matter what. Everything else is none of your concern. I will not have you question me, Desire." It took everything the elf had not to punish the demon right then, to hold back, the need to be in control.

Her laugh was deep as it reached his ears. "Your duty? Who is your duty to? Yourself? The people? Is it worth losing everything you love? Let me help and you can have everything you ever desired." This only caused Solas to let out a laugh of his own.

"Somethings are more important than your personal need. You, of course, don't understand that. Love isn't selfish, it never will be. I am doing what is best for her. In time, she will see that." Solas watched the demon continue to circle him, as he moved to sit on the desk. The wolf inside him was now pacing back and forth scratching to get out.

"Another tries to claim your Vhenan. What, will you let another steal her away? Will you let her suffer more?" She walked closer to him then grabbed at his fur throw as she continued her plea. "Your pride, your sense of duty will be your doom, your downfall, Dread Wolf."

He was surprised the demon had the audacity to grab him in such a manner, it awakened his fury. Flames of rage licked his skin. "No one can steal her because I do not own her. NO ONE DOES. She decided for herself, this has nothing to do with it! I said LEAVE! I will not discuss the matter any further." He spat, pushing the demon away.

"Do you not understand?" She yelled, using her own pull on the Fade to change it into the memory of the nightmare. They were now surrounded with the graveyard, broken and chipped headstones labeled with everyone's fears. "You will never be complete without her. You will die ALONE. We both know that is your greatest fear."

He couldn't help but laugh at her. "You think you can impress me with your foolish tricks? Me? The bringer of nightmares, I am the roamer of the Fade. You will never, ever have more power than me here." The demon moved away from Solas, closer to Zara's tombstone that read her own fear: 'Dying unloved, alone'.

She bent down to place her hand upon the stone, running her fingers over the letters. "Your Vhenan, dreams of you every night. Cries herself to sleep. Yet you let her suffer, all for what? Your pride? Some delusional idea of duty? You were the one to lock them away. YOU betrayed your people. Harellan."

Solas could no longer keep a hold of his anger, and it pulsed through him out to the Fade. His magic came to his call, cast out upon the demon. They started to glow a bright green.

"Enough!" he yelled as he banished the demon away. Away from him, away from Zara, so it would never invade her dreams again.


End file.
